


Why Me?

by AndiMackmeetsHeathers



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:48:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29197128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndiMackmeetsHeathers/pseuds/AndiMackmeetsHeathers
Summary: Yuuri questions why, out of all the people in the world who Viktor could have been with, he ultimately picked him.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	Why Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for panic/ anxiety attacks, self-deprecation and mild swearing. 
> 
> I had this idea for a while but just wrote it impulsively. It's longer than I originally intended it to be, but oh well. I hope you enjoy it all the same! :)

“Viktor?”

“Hmm?” His voice was raspy with sleep, and that made Yuuri think that he sounded adorable.

He tapped his fingers onto his pyjama bottoms, not sure about where to begin. The thoughts that had been plaguing him recently were hardly new ones; in fact, he’d been wondering the same exact thing since he’d met his lover- _why me?_

Of course, he’d belatedly discovered that they’d spent a night dancing together at the Sochi Grand Prix final (when he wasn’t dancing with Yurio and Chris, anyway)-but that still didn’t change a thing in his mind. Viktor had willingly danced with him, and-judging by the pictures-actually enjoyed himself. They’d bonded, had a moment (or, several) together, despite Yuuri not remembering any of the experience. So, his arrival in Hasetsu, although unexpected, shouldn’t have come as a complete surprise to him, knowing that his drunk ass had literally asked Viktor to become his coach-but the fact that he’d gone through with it all baffled him.

Yuuri Katsuki had always been a person who doubted himself, who’d wallowed in his own insecurities and worried about his failures and shortcomings, caring deeply if he made so much as one mistake. Yes, this made him determined, but his anxiety often held him back, too-just look at what had happened at the Sochi Grand Prix Final, when he’d lost due to a combination of nerves, given the pressure, and grief, following the death of Vicchan. What his anxiety also did, even in his brightest, happiest moments, was turning his loved ones against him, and making him erroneously believe that they would leave him or that they didn’t truly love him, and were just pretending to. He often felt this way about Viktor, that he just felt sorry for him and had decided to coach him on a random whim.

But, logically, he knew that wasn’t true at all. Somehow, his childhood idol (although only four years his senior, of course) had fallen in love with him. It was the stuff dreams were made of. So, why did his anxiety still bug him about it and fill his mind with doubts and fears surrounding their relationship?

It was like an itch he needed to scratch, he needed to know the answer to this question like he needed air to breathe, it was like a compulsion, this question, eating him alive on the inside, the guilt he felt for taking Viktor away from everyone last season, the overwhelming fear that everyone he loved would leave him, his parents, Mari, the Nishigoris, Minako, Phichit, _Viktor-_

That’s when he realised that he couldn’t breathe properly, that it felt like a vice was clamping down on his chest and knocking all the air out of him, that concern had filled Viktor’s beautiful eyes and it was _all his fault._ The guilt was slowly eating away at him, and it was crushing his rib cage. He knew he just needed to take one breath in, one out-but how could he do that when his vision was swimming and Viktor’s voice sounded like it was coming from underwater, distant but clearly concerned, possibly on the verge of panic?

Again, that was all _his fault. His fault. His fault._

Yuuri didn’t notice that he was shaking for what could have been one minute, maybe two, or perhaps a whole eternity-he really didn’t know. He squeezed his eyes shut, attempting to practice the breathing practices that Minako had taught him to do when he’d flunked his ballet exam once and had an anxiety attack about it, right there in the studio, in front of everyone. In for five seconds, out for five, was it? His head was fuzzy, but swimming at the same time-everything seeming nonsensical. He didn’t know, but he tried to do the whole five second thing anyway, knowing that the sooner he calmed down, the sooner Viktor would be able to get through to him and the sooner he could apologise for freaking out over nothing, the way he always did.

 _Pathetic, really,_ the voice in his head sneered, but he shook his head in an attempt to ignore it, subconsciously aware of Viktor’s unwavering, worried gaze. In for five, out for five, and breathe. Breathe. _Breathe._

“I’m so sorry, Viktor!” he blurted out, frustrated at himself for causing Viktor such distress. Viktor, who was sat next to him in bed, budged over to him, and Yuuri realised that he hadn’t touched him the whole time, because he knew how much he hated to be touched when he was having a panic attack. His heart filled with warmth in an instant; how was his fiancé so caring and considerate towards him? He didn’t even deserve it, in his mind. Yet, his mind was the very thing that had got him into this mess in the first place. “I didn’t mean to- “

“ _Yuuri._ Look at me. _”_ Upon his instructions, he met his soft gaze, amber brown meeting icy blue. “You can’t help the fact that you have anxiety attacks. Yes, you can control them, like you managed to do just now-which I am so proud of you for doing, by the way-but I know that they can be debilitating. As much as you would like to blame yourself, because I know for a fact that you do have a tendency to be hard on yourself, a lot of the time-this is not your fault. Do you understand that?”

What? Yuuri couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How was this not his fault? He was the one who had let his thoughts spiral into this. He was the one who had freaked out in front of Viktor and embarrassed himself. He was the one who was a complete and utter failure, and mess of a person. Wasn’t he?

“No, Viktor, you don’t get it, it is my fault and I’m sorry that you had to witness it. I always do this, mess things up. I meant to start asking you a question, but my brain went off on a tangent, for some reason.”

With a sad smile, Viktor took Yuuri’s hands into his own pale ones gently. “It’s fine, Yuuri. Really. Don’t worry about it-that was your anxiety speaking, not you.” Yuuri’s eyes widened as he realised there was some truth to the statement. Oh. That made sense. And who was blaming him? Not Viktor, just his anxiety. “What was bothering you so much that it escalated into, well, that?”

Yuuri winced, still feeling guilty that Viktor had been forced to sit there, helpless, as the man he loved lost it in front of him. “I, um-I was just wondering, it’s something I think about a lot, I can’t help it-if you, I mean, I know you love me. Obviously. But, uh, there is something that has been on a mind a lot recently. Why me? You could have chosen to be with anyone you wanted, because you’re talented and smart and caring and kind and goofy and funny and insanely good-looking. But you chose me. Plain, simple old me. Why? I always feel like I’m holding you back from achieving your full potential.”

He felt, rather than saw, Viktor’s arm wrapping around him. He turned to him, his blue eyes filling up with tears. Oh no. He’d screwed up again, hadn’t he? That seemed like all he was capable of, these days. “Yuuri, you really think these things about yourself?” He nodded. “My love, you are so talented, and creative, and kind, and more attractive than you think you are. You’re cute and caring and so good with Makkachin, you possess a heart of gold. You showed me a whole new world of love and life that I’d never seen before. They were two things I neglected before I met you, but you opened my eyes up to the beauty and happiness that life outside of my career could offer me. I’m so grateful to have you in my life, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

At this point, Yuuri was teary-eyed, too, overcome with a wave of emotion. “You really mean that, Vitya?”

The older man tightened his grip around Yuuri and kissed him on the top of his head. “Yes, _dorogoy._ I promise I mean it, and that I love you so much.”

Yuuri laughed, relieved, feeling a sudden weight being lifted from him. “I love you too, Viktor, and I always will do. I hope you know that.”

Viktor beamed at him, raising his thumb up and stroking Yuuri’s cheek gently. Yuuri melted into his touch. “I do now. I’ll always love you too.”

Yuuri shifted upwards slightly and kissed Viktor’s forehead, causing the man to giggle a little. “No matter what?” he clarified, desperate as ever for reassurance.

“No matter what.”

That was all he needed to know.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking the time to read this, hopefully you liked it, please do tell me if this made you smile. Stay safe and have a great day! Xx
> 
> Dorogoy-'darling' in Russian.


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